Just watched a movie just now… woah, it’s really emotionally draining, but it’s really beautiful. The characters are all so lively and their acting skills are like woah. It’s like a dark comedy. It’s beautifully poignant. Now I have 2 more VCDs to watch. HAHA. Went to Tampines with my family yesterday. It was so crowded. It was squeezy and really phobia inducing. But got three movies that I convinced my mum to get for me… haha. I can’t get it myself. okay, I can get one myself but whatever. haha. I really like emotionally draining movies for some reason. They get so deep, and mean a lot.

It’s a brand new deacade. Ten more years of empty pages for me to fill *provided everything goes well =D LOL* I’m a pessimistic optimist

Yes, I realized that anxiety issues are really affecting me. I went to the market an hour back and got slightly anxious when i saw so many people. My stomach started to hurt but thankfully we wern’t staying there for a long time. My appetite is washed into the drain whenever i become anxious. Why can’t I be like those people who eat a lot when they’re anxious. I don’t eat when I’m anxious cos i feel like throwing up. And NO, I hate being skinny so I’m definitely not ANEROXIC.

I’m bleeding now. A little scratch on my right hand and on my left arm. crap. I don’t like blood. But this isn’t the worst. And no, i did not cut myself O.o

I don’t know what school I want to go to next year. I don’t even know if I want to stay in Singapore. My mum said that I could ask my dad if i wanted to go Overseas to study in a sixth-form college in UK, provided he agrees. The reason why it attracts me so much is that there’s photography and environmental science at an A level standard. I don’t want to wait for university to study the subjects i love. and the other two subejcts i would take would be geography and math or chem. Most likely I’ll remain here in Singapore, like 99.99999%. but i would sure love to daydream about going over to UK to study. Uhhh, what a beautiful daydream. =D

Okay, I gotta go now and start filling up the 2010 page …

I was reading the A level subjects available and there’s photography. But not in Singapore. There’s also environmental science (uhhhh love this too ). But this is also not available in Singapore but in UK. I love this two subject…=( Wana study them in uni, so studying them in JC would be great. Uhhh… Singapore, nooooo, why don’t you have these two subjects for A level… Feeling so uhhhhh now.

——————(moved that para above to today)————————

Today is the very last day of 2009. Somehow, after closing my eyes and thinking about all that had passed this year, i feel really bittersweet.  Since it is the very last day, I shall post a little (could be long and naggy I warn you =D) reflection on the year… 

It has been a great year. Studying for O levels, the preparation and the many hours spent at McDonalds around the western part of Singapore as well as the crazily freezing libraries. The crazy sinus problems that lasted for a month or so, then the insane IBS that dragged me down like a bulldozer. Then the friends’ I’ve made and lost. The fun time i had when I was in australia, the SYF (can’t believe it was actually this year) and there’s just so much to mention. My love for photography also grew insanely this year. I’ve fallen in love with my camera all over again. Though I would gladly give it away for a brand new one (hehe). I’ve made many plans this year, got lost in the world, lost and found myself once again, realized the importance of true friendship. ohhh, there’s just so much to go. I would have to say that out of all the years I’ve ever had before, the past year had to be one of the best.

My digestive system has been really crazy. I didn’t eat much the past week and have lost all the weight that I’ve gained two weeks ago and slightly more. It was due to a panic attack that I had which made the conditions of my stomach so much worst. Panic attacks are never good. I havn’t eaten any tablets this morning  and I’m feeling quite good. As long as I’m not going to faint onto the floor and die of malnutrion, I’m actually not so worried anymore =D. I’m like a prisoner of war right now. Skinny, emaciated (same meaning) and just bone-ish. My grandma freaked me out yesterday by saying that “OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO SKINNY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!” in chinese LOUDLY, cos she hasn’t seen me in a month (that’s when I realized that I shouldn’t be freaking out)

OH MY GOD. What would those classmates, schoolmates and teachers say when they see me when I start school? Kevin are you aneroxic? LOL. I don’t want to meet them. But nevermind, in just two weeks (collection of results) half the world out there would know that I have had severe IBS. *expecting incredulous stares and questions* If they are sincerely concern *thanks* and if they want to make a butt full of jokes out of me *Fish off* I’ve lost 10% of my body weight. Obviously I would look like a skeleton. BLEH i don’t care. Maybe I will gain back the 10% in the next two weeks? LOL.Slightly hard but hopefully… okay, 4% would be good enough for me. So for those who havn’t seen me in quite a while, be mentally prepared. HAHA. Don’t ask me any questions. I wouldn’t want them. I know I’ve lost weight, as if i can’t see it like that O.o

I would take one day at a time. Consume 100calories at a time. and just enjoy life. Whatever life brings, I’ll just have to accept it. Everything happens for a reason, and I still strongly believe in that. I believe in different diemensions. So maybe it’s preperation for that. ~~bye~~

Let’s get lost

I’ll count to ten
If that’s what it takes
I’ll watch the months
Just to wait for time

I’ll ignore the world
If it could make things better
I’ll search this entire place
Just to find your answer

Oh, you’ve showed me the world
You’re like a shining star

So could you come here now
And board the next train to no where
We’ll try to figure out this life
So could you come here now

Let’s get lost
Let’s get lost
And I’ll throw everything behind
Cos with you
The world never seems to move

I don’t need the world to tell me
Where I’m headed with this life
Round it goes it’s a give and take
Cos I know we’ll make our own world somehow

The problem with a non-wireless internet is that you risk knocking out the wires by mistake. There are so many places where the wires could be accidentally knocked out. It just happened a couple of seconds ago when I wondered irritatedly at why my computer showed the webpage cannot be load, “check for connection problem” thingy. Haha.

I’m always using the computer early in the morning now. The sky has been overcast lately, like really cloudy. I went to the new bus terminal at JP yesterday and it was COLD. okay, i do not like walking into a suddenly cold environment. If it’s cold constantly, I would love it. I actually wanted to caputure some shots of busy Singapore but it was embarrasing taking pictures in such a crowded place *i still do not like crowds* Maybe I would oneday, capture the beauty in Singapore (hopefully at least one photo would turn out right).

I’m feeling hungry now but my abdoman (is this how you spell it?) feels tight, like it’s squeezing itself silly. Ouch. But it isn’t that bad this morning. Took several medicine before switching on the computer. Thankfully I can swollow tablets now. Just a year back, tablets were my enemies. I spend many, many minutes just trying to swollow one pathetically tiny piece. haha. Once this horde of medicine was required to be swollowed, I choked on them numerous times. Like it would start guggling mid-way down my throat and I would be like, “OMG OMG I’m CHOKING” but relaized that I could still talk, so yeah, not dying. LOL.

What will I do today? HHmmm… not sure yet. But like I’ve said, time is relative. What about memories? OKay, talk about this next time. I may upload the unfinshed song later (feel like such a procrastinator). *why do I feel as though my spelling has deproved O.o*

BYE ~

I realized that I’ve picked up the habit of blogging daily way early in the morning. Woke up at 6am again this morning but forced myself to return to bed. I woke up because i felt something furry at my leg (totally forgot I let my dog into the room) and I got shocked. I woke up and realize that it was my dog. haha. Couldn’t sleep for much longer after that.

I guess one reason why I like photography is the ability to emote emotions through simple pictures. Like songs and other forms of art, it is left to the viewer to interprete what is shown on the photograph. I want to be a photographer when i grow up, at least one part of me. I am so jealous of those people who i read on flickr are studying in a photographic school or are majoring in photography. I want to study that too, maybe next year? HHmmm…

Yeah, I havn’t uploaded the song yet, as i didn’t felt like writing a happy song yesterday due to my mood. I would have wrote a song on anxiety instead. Yes, I do have freaking anxiety issues. I am mad, bleh, whatever. But for some weird reason, many people with IBS have anxiety issues, and it is a relatively large percentage, of about 60-80%. Can’t excatly remember the numerical value but all i know is that I’m not so strange. HAHA. I want to go to my friends house later, and hopefully my stomach and anxiety crap would allow. I’m still recovering. YES, recovering and suffering for the past 4 months. Thankfully there’s flickr to cheer me up when I’m feeling totally trapped at home.

I have loads of ideas flowing through my head now, and maybe I’ll do them later on with the magic of photoshop. Once my free-trail expires in 26 days, i would go back to do normal, un-photoshoped phographs. Been getting the hang of it lately, okay, that doesn’t equate to me being good at it (I’m bad  at cutting out people from the background).  

Oh, I simply cannot believe it that there’s only 3 days to 2010. I am looking forward to that year (please, please, IBS, give me back my life). O level results, JC and Poly open houses, new school, new people, and yeah, maybe a new digestive system? haha. My aim, 8 points. Thinking about it, it is slightly stressful, okay very. Results is what i fear a lot, and that could trigger IBS. *anxiety-medication here i come*. HAHA, nah, just joking, but I’ll bring it just in case =p. 

I have read MANY MANY stories on people who are on the same boat as I am. Some are still suffering after years, but most have took IBS by the neck and controlled it and have their lives back. Reading such stories are really inspiring to me. I know I can recover. I know that I can get better and get my life back. Thanks so much for my friends patience with me. I can be really crazy now. Yeah. *just burped* — don’t know why I’m giving you the visual but whatever =p.

I may write the song later if I’m feeling happy. It could be of the same atmosphere as most of my other songs, but whatever. I love it. hehe. BYE — gonna watch survivor which i’ve always missed on channel five as I needed sleep. Or maybe I’ll just continue listening to this song –> (below). it’s AWESOME.

Photoshop has to be the coolest thing on the planet. Yes, I could be several years slower behind everyone else, but WOOO it’s cool. haha. I spend 2 hours trying to create a shadow for myself —-> which i believe looks horrible as i can’t seem to do step 7 (couldn’t understand and tried to google it but it couldn’t find anything).

I can’t believe I’ve spend so long on photoshop. My stomach is feeling much better today compared to yesterday, but I’m still slowly recovering here… Not ready to celebrate just yet. I couldn’t eat breakfast other than for a tiny piece of cookie. I’m feeling hungry now, so maybe I’ll eat several more cookies. HAHA. The cookies were those I bought from Cold Storage yesterday.

Interacting with people from all over the world in Flickr is really awesome. AWESOME. haha. A flickr addict here. But nah, I still leave my house. I didn’t weigh myself this morning as i didn’t wanted to know how much weight I’ve lost over the past 4 nauseous days. I don’t want to know =X. I could gain 0.8kg in 3 days, so it means i would have lost more in 4 days. Hopefully my appetite returns today if not that makes it day 5 of not eating consuming sufficient calories for the day. UHHH. Don’t think to much. HAHA. Just grasp onto life and nothing else matters. *hope so*

Gonna post a song that I wrote last thursday… I loved the chrous and the bridge but i hate the start. So I’m going to re-write the start. The atmosphere is slighly bitter in the original. I’m changing it into a carefree, let’s fly away kinda song. HAHA.

Maybe one day, things would piece themselves out. Maybe I should just trust the wind, trust the world, that everthing would somehow end up fine. Maybe even if it’s not in this world, maybe another world, another dimension. Maybe that’s why life is just not fair. Or could I be lying to myself, could it be nothing is ever fair? I’m starting to wonder if life itself is an illusion, where time is relative. I guess it’s better to know that to live in ignorance but I really don’t know, do I?

Changing topic and atmosphere now…haha… My nausea is slightly better today compared to yesterday. =D. I managed to consume a sausage bread when it isn’t even 11am yet. YEAH. I usually only feel like eating after 12nn recently (past 3 days). I’ll go to cold storage with my mum later to get my favourite food. The food is cold storage is delicious, or it’s just the price tag? LOL. I don’t know. My family goes to cold storage every now and then. The vegetables are absoloutely delicious (grown in China BTW). I could finish the entire plate of vegetable and be so happy. haha. I’m going to get my lactose free SOY milk too and my lactose FREE cookies. AWESOME!!! My mom’s at Nassim road now (thinking of $$$ when i think of that road) LOL.

I am listening to really old songs nowadays. This one is even older than the previous one. Still loving this song.

Its’ boxing day today. HAHA. I’ve always thought that the meaning was literal, but in reality, it is a day of charity and discount sales. Read it on wikipedia.

I felt more or less really nauseas for the entire day. I skipped lunch but ate several fish balls, potato chips and donuts. I just couldn’t put a single spoonful of rice into my mouth. I just felt nauseous. I guess it is just one of those days in which I have no appetite at all. I didn’t really worry as I would feel this way once every few weeks. It’s horrible due to the fear of lacking calories but I guess I’m just accepting it now. Saw the product “ENSURE” at Guardian today. I read this product at an IBS forum as it says this is a good replacement for those who feel nauseas. Maybe I’ll get it? Didn’t get it though. Maybe I’ll get it tomorrow if I still lack an appetite. Hopefully not only the Guardian at Tiong Bahru has it.

My internet explorer has been facing some problems recently. Pictures appear as boxes and sometimes webpages can’t even load. I guess it could be a singtel problem? PLEASE PLEASE don’t let it be my new laptop’s problem. It is so NEW. lol.

Had a really nice conversation today at an MRT station with my friend. Is life too short that we have to do everything we can? I don’t know. I feel as though I’m really sitting on the fence of many things, and sometimes society itself. I don’t like society. I don’t know if I’ve mention it before but I really dislike society. It feels like an utter mess, a wreck. Maybe I’m a bit too pessimistic, but I really dislike society. I guess in everything, there are both good and bad. I guess like what I’ve always said before, I will not be a slave of society. Another aimless worker bee aimed and programmed to move the man-made world foreward. *sorry if I’m being repetetive*

Just accept the world just as it is? No, I just can’t. I rather die for a cause than see lives destroyed. Maybe that’s why when I read news or hear about those people who die for a cause, i can’t help but feel so sad and sometimes get terribly touched and get teary.

I guess it could be just me. Maybe I’m outta my mind. HHmmm…

And oh, COMMUNITY CHANNEL (ON YOUTUBE) is so FUNNY. I am so addicted to her videos. SHE IS AWESOME. HAHA.

I’m feeling hungry for dinner now. BYE –!!

And before I forgot, yes Sebastian. Shit Wrong (sounds like his name doesn’t it) is too worthless for me to even give a shit anymore. Thanks. There are too many things for me to bother about. Why shoud I care when he doesn’t. Thanks again =D

It really doesn’t feel like a friday today. I wonder why. It feels more like a sunday or a monday. It doesn’t feel like the end of the week. Well, today is Christmas, and I wonder why does Christmas feel so comercerlized. I don’t know. I just find it to be too commercialized. It could be just me.

Went to a church just now. The 4th or 5th time at CHC. This christmas CHC thingy somehow feels like an annual tradition as this would be my third christmas there. HAHA. Promised that I would go so even though I felt feverish and had a stomach upset, I still managed to pull myself reluctantly to EXPO. But thankfully, or coincidentally, my sister was going there too with her friend so my mum decided to fetch us there. So I didn’t have to bare with the one hour train ride that would do wonders for my nerves. It was interesting and a nice experience. It had to be more or less the 10th time i went to a church. A guy came to me and asked me if i would want to “go down *to accept christ or something like that*” My answer was I refuse to take a side, so nope.

I don’t believe in religion, but I believe in god.

I am addicted to this song right now. It’s really old, but I’m so addicted. Wonder why.