Real early on a thursday morning…

Happy B’day Sebas. HAHA. Think I’ve said all i wanted to said in the birthday card. THX SO MUCH FOR BEING THERE again =D.

I believe I may have managed to convince my mum to bring the family to UK. OMG this is so totally awesome. But she said that there are strikes, snow storm, heat waves and such there. OKay, nvm. But if I’m still alive, I’m so totally going to fly there one day =D. one day feels so long. I guess this is just me, someone who constantly lives in the future. But I have to love the present too (that’s what I figured out after a year of *mid-life crisis?* emo-ing in sec3). The sky is slightly purpish now. Could it be just my eyes? But as you can see, you can actually see my FLICKr pictures to the right —-> SEBAS THANKS AGAIN. HAHA. He told me the secret, which isn’t exactly a secret which makes me feel kinda silly. LOL. It’s the RSL LINK thingy, which i have never managed to figure out. O.O. YEAH, friends ARE important. LOL 

I was using the com ytd when my classmate ask me about my medical condition. Seriously, I felt so moved. Like totally. THX JB =D. HAHA. I get moved very, very easily. HAHA, like when anyone asks me about my medical stuff in a concerned manner. (not much but still quite a fair bit) =D. So THANKS TO ALL THESE PEOPLE TOO, ps not naming just in case i forget anyone accidentally. lol. My emotions are like really volatile but I just don’t show it. Also sadly, I could be slightly overly sensitive with the emotions surrounding me. Maybe that’s how I managed to write like over 140 songs (was flipping thru all my collections). Each one carries a certain emotion, which for some reason, someone told me they all had the same atmosphere. REALLY?? I thought they were all unque and distinct? But yeah, having to admit what I feel recently have been more or less similar.

Hey, my life seems to be on a standstill recently in emotions, other than that stupid “person”. I gave a shit, he didn’t. But now I couldn’t even give a shit to write a song about him. Too worthless. WORD.

I just find it so true that in GOOD times, everyone are friends but only in BAD times do the real friends appear and the fake friends disappear. I don’t know the exact quote or if i’m infringing any one’s copyright now by not stating who quoted this because i remember reading it somewhere before, but this QUOTE IS SO TRUE. I am really moved by everyone who has helped me this past two month when i was feeling bloody miserable. I would really wana thank all of you so much again. I’m FEELING so much better now but I’m not exactly out of the mire yet. Still feeling slightly sick-ish like yesterday where i slept at 9pm. No wonder i woke up at 5am and was like, “go back to sleep, you NEED sleep”.

I seriously believe anxiety is part of all this nonsense and after realizing that I’ve been gaining weight, and that the scan and stuff came out fine, my heart has more or less been calm. *paused for like 1-2 minutes like that in calmness*LOL

Went with my sister to FUHUA yesterday. She entered FUHUA, yes. I don’t know if i should tell her to leave because I personally find that the school has been great but may others don’t. Mdm Oen said something really funny yesterday, “It’s important to let your pupils *funny number one* learn Malay, so that when they go neighbouring countries, like Indonesia and Malaysia, they can read sign boards and interact with them.” I laughed like shit. But everyone else was solemn so I was like opppps, i shouldn’t be laughing, should I? Well I suppose I do have a warped sense of humour too because I find certain parts of speeches to be very funny that most people don’t. NOT FUNNY MEH? lol.

And yes, I do feel naggy, the word count is already at 680 words. lol. I’ll end it here then, say the rest tomorrow…

Should I delete the post below?

My response (to ur post)…*u brought it into the view of the public, not me*

Firstly, I want to say that I want to travel to UK so badly. I want to go there. I don’t care. haha. feeling like a spoilt brat now, cos i really wana visit London. x- BLEH – x Going to make sure I go there next year =p

Now to the seriously business. Okay. To this person who you should know who you are. I will start writing in your style so you would ACTUALLY READ.
So I supposed you have never treated me as a “friend” before your whole life. I’m just there, like a lifeless body to help you.
Well, I have wasted so much of my life in helping you, in trying to understand your problems. As if I can stand the fact that you’re always self-absorbed, always in your own little world and not caring about everyone else. Seriously, I do treat you as a friend. I have always told people around me that you’re one of my closer friends. Well, I regret that. I must reiterate (repeat) the fact that I trusted you. I seriously did. But I couldn’t believe your animosity towards me.
Coming to think of it, YOU always had some sort of animosity (anger + hatred) towards me since day 1 didn’t you? You have never liked me or treated me as a friend. Maybe that’s why i treat a little bit more detached than some of my other friends. That is the only difference okay?
Now down to my attitude.. (zzz lame lor you zzz)
OHHH PLEASE about the sarcasm and my crappy attitude. You are not the first one to commend on my attitude and i would be a millionare if i changed my attitude to everyone who commented. SERIOUSLY I DON’T CARE. The only difference is that the other person who critised me before, that FRIENDSHIP was worth keeping. He argued with me because he wanted to understand me. All you wanted to do was to cut all ties. You have never ever treated me as a true friend, have you? Please, I want to know the truth. You just made use of the opportunity. You are PATHETIC. I feel bad saying this, but yeah, you’ll never leave little world where you are king. *cough*cough*roll eyes* pathetic 

SERIOUSLY, OH PLEASE.

And, THANKFULLY IT’S FINALLY OVER. FREE FROM YOU. YOUR CHAINS. Wrote just this paragraph for you in August. Didn’t finish cos felt bad writing it, even though i was actually $%^&ing concerned.

You’ll never make up your mind
The world would have all went by
Its’ not that I don’t understand
 Just that I’m getting tired 

You’ll never leave without that mirror in your hands
Where all your wounds never stop to be amplified
Almost interesting to watch
You standing under the rain

crazy, crazy day.

watched AVATAR with Seb at JP today. AVATAR was AMAZING. Seriously, it has to be the best movie I’ve watched in like ages. It was awesome. The storyline, the themes and the graphics (a bit too nice le, make me wana vomit) were sublime. It was surprisingly touching too as it made me think about all the real life destruction of the natives that have actually happen in our world. It is like an ENVORINMENTAL PROTEST movie or something like that. And the use of the word HUMANOID was similar to that of PLANET 51, which was erm, a really cliche movie. Wasted my money on that.

Today was really insane. I repeat INSANE. It has to be the most depressing day of my life. The first half of the day was terrific, while the last half was horrific. HORRIFIC with all capital letters. I thought I had depression. I actually cried while i was sitting on the bus till it reach its’ final destination. Seriously doubt that I have cried in the past 365 days. I didn’t. Like seriously didn’t and did so today in public. zzz (pai seh lor but luckily the bus was empty). It was such an emotion day. THANKS SO MUCH TO THIS @&$! that I thought were friends but is an evil demon. YEAH I SAID DEMON (haha, like in AVATAR). I really hate this person. It was like one after another. One fell on me after another to make me feel worse and worse. THANKS SO MUCH HOR, THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I’VE HELP THIS  @#$%-er BEFORE. Serious, I HATE YOU @#$%ing person.

It sucks when I can emotionally feel those around me. IT’s like this aruora of negative energy that totally brought me down in the mire today. It was horrible. It felt like an entire day of torture. It was such a crazy, crazy day. 

Not eloborating on these worthless shits. I just took a random bus before going to Chinese garden for a long walk. Didn’t feel emo after returning as i felt angry that i actually wasted my time being all depressed and crying over this kind of stupid people. Overused my F word limit on you already. DAMN.

Thanks so much (like again. lol.) to Seb for cheering me up and also to KQ who lifted my spirits after i called you even though i didn’t say that i was feeling emo.lol. TYS =D   

Oh, I also had my blood test and I passed. I don’t have thyroid disease !!! YAY. So CT scan tomorrow. LOL. what other diseases await me. I am so okay with it already regardless of the outcome.

And oh, finally can (probably) go out with SJ before 2010 le. haha.

Forever (It’s just life)

wrote it yesterday. before this CRAZY INSANE DAY.

I don’t know how you feel
Or even where you are
I can say it is hard
To think that you don’t even care

I can’t help but to remember all the things we’ve been through
And I can’t help but to wonder
Am I in your mind?

We would go on and on forever
Or am I the only one that’s interested
Cos I’m constantly waiting for you
No, I’m the one who choosed to stay here
But I don’t know how long more I’ll stand

It’s not fair
But who the hell am I to complain
It’s just life
With all the unexpected turns

Do you even care?
Do you even think?
About what we’ve seen
Or am I invisible

Cos I really want you to know how much it hurts
When you say that this would somehow end
When I thought this is something that would last forever

Does this show how you feel
And what I am to you
Well maybe I’m paranoid
Cos I’ve been thinking of you

I guess many things are beyond our control
But I can’t help but to ponder
What does this mean to you?

*BOLDED — CHROUS, repeat after every other two para…

ignorance is bliss. well at least for a while

Went for an interesting job interview with Seb today at Chinatown. Seriously, i had a lot of apprehension as the interview-ee was 35 minutes late and the place appeared make-shift and rundown. I had the police number on speed-dial. Seriously. I was that fearful *paranoia =p* Didn’t accepted the job due to the hours and the rediculously far-away location of senkang (seriously? It feels like a seperate country…haha)

Didn’t eat my lunch before I went out today, which meant that I only ate my lunch at 3.30pm ( STARVING). Well, I was fearful of an IBS attack (hence didn’t eat) and wonder how healthy is was for me to pop an immodium into my body before I met Seb. Immodium is an anti-diarreah medication. Well, hopefully I didn’t spam too much to get constipation. It usually gives me a constipation if i eat more than two of the tablets a day. Only ate one today and bought another box of it just from Unity. It is that easy to get medicine. lol. I just need that medication. It makes me feel safe. Okay, I feel like some psycho now but whatever.

Must grasp whatever life has. Seriously, there’s no time to waste. I will use every moment of me feeling well enough to move around to enjoy life. Having been feeling bloody miserable for so long has really made me realize the importance of gripping onto life and not letting it slip away. I wana go out and enjoy as far as I possibly can while I still can. I’m not letting my IBS or whatever shit it is take control of my life. I’ve got the wheel for my own life. <3 missy higgins’ STEER once again. I’ve got the controls to my life. I either make or break it.

I really don’t know if I’m overreacting and being overly paranoid about my messed up digestive system. I’m no longer anxious, worried or even concerned. For some reason, I just want to get it over and done with. Like I’ve said, I’ve pictured the very best scenario and the very worst. I’m mentally and emotionally prepared for both. Certainly, I would want the better one. DUH. and NO, I don’t expect anyone to comprehend how this freaking feels for being constantly sick for four months with a freaking stomach aches and diarreah and constipations and a plummeting loss of weight (in the bad way).

 But I’m glad to those who are there =D. THANKS SO MUCH AGAIN AND SORRY IF I CAUSED YOU ANY INCONVENIENCE FROM MY CRAZZYYY BEHAVVIIOOUURR AND REEACCCTIIIOONNSSS

Must enjoy this two days before the result of my CT scan comes out on Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. I’m so fearful that it could be something terrible, like a horrifying disease or something. Really scared and seriously believe that I’m so going to be stuck at home for a couple of days in the dark as I try to figure out this f*** up life.. I may totally freak, but for now I’m totally accepting it and well, wana enjoy as much as i can before i know what I have.

Ignorance is bliss. Well at least for a while.

one interesting day

started off early in the morning in FLICKR, my little place of escape as my digestive system is going a little bit off the track again. After which, I went to the doctor. My mum and I waited for approximately 2 hours before meeting the doctor. The hospital was freezing. It was like there was a blizzard or something but thankfully i didn’t shiver. But I was so cold that I felt like I would vomit *make any sense?*

It’s official. I have lost 1 kg the past month. I have lost even more weight *omg omg omg*. Well, I seriously have came to terms with this fcking shit that I’m suffering from. Whatever. It’s like a filtering device to make me realize the true “importance” in my life and that I’m not going to waste a single minute left of it. I am always prepared that this could be some lethal disease for some reason. I’ve pictured all the different scenarios you could imagine *from the super positive to the ultra negative* (shrugs).

I’ll be having a blood test on monday as the doctor suspects THYROID DISEASE (SCARY SCARY). If I pass the blood test (doesn’t mean not fainting after a testtube of blood is sucked out from my body), I would have to do a colonscopy on the following day (tuesday). Life is great with medical problems isn’t it.

And well, coming to think of it, I seem to be able to comprehend what one of my friend said last time, “no one really understand how another feels.” I’ve been feeling bloody miserable recently. Well I guess it was so much worst in the first two immediate week after O levels. It has been really miserable. Like a constant storm cloud that lingers around my head, hovering for weeks on end. But well, I must thank everyone who has been there, cared, understood or at least attempted to. =) / =D Hopefully this crappy shitty medical crap would end soon. Maybe I  just have a little too much empathy and expect a little too much in return (wonders?). But seriously, I’m happy for anyone to just understand this crap I’m going through and to those who don’t, seriously, just fuck off (maybe you(s) know who you(s) are, but i doubt you(s) would read this).

HEALTH IS WEALTH. I finally understand this statement. APPRECIATE YOUR HEALTH AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. Well, one positive thing that come out from this is that I realize or come to the conclusion who actuallly gives a damn if I’m alive or if I’m dead. And sometime it does worry me. *nvm*

And another positive thing that I can think off is that it would be a constant reminder of the pain and suffering so much of the world goes through. I must do what it takes to help those in need. Well this could just be a reminder to me for my life? not sure… But one thing fo sure is that life isn’t all rosy and perfect. Sometimes it’s the bleak nature of it that makes it beautiful. *makes sense?* lol

Had a crappy emotional roller coaster ride few hours back, but I’m back to the normal sedated Kevin. HAHA. Just forget it, I’m going to sleep now. NITES.

New weighing machine =D

Let me start of first by saying,  *I HATE ADVTISMENTS THAT PROMOTE WEIGHT LOSS*

At last, I’ll be seeing the gastronologist tomorrow after 3 interesting weeks. Lol. It’s like 7am in the morning now. I woke up at 6am for some reason. Recently, I can’t seem to sleep anymore than 7 hours at one go. I wana sleep more, though I don’t feel tired (what’s the diff eh? lol)

Bought a new weighing machine at JE central yesterday. My mum told me that it was rediculously expensive when i showed her the price tag but KQ’s mum said it was a reasonably priced gadget so i got it. O.o. anyway I paid for it myself. $48. It weighs me more accurately so i would know if i’m dying of starvation *sarcasm* The old weighing machine would say that i’m 50.5kg in the morning, 48kg before lunch and 50.9kg after dinner. OKay, I know I weigh myself a lot. 

For some reason, I judge my current health of my *well-behaved* digestive system on my weight. I have lost weight. Yes, and it is a lot. 10% of my body mass *stop counting several weeks back* I think I could actually have gained back some weight due to the heavy dinners I’ve been eating. Breakfast and lunch are the worst for me, because I feel relatively nauseas and vomittish and diarreah-ish during this times, so I split my lunch into two. Eat half my lunch at 2pm, and the rest at 4, before consuming my dinner at 8pm. I must gain back weight, well i guess the only reason why I want to gain weight is to prove to myself that I do not have any life-threatening diseases or bacteria growing inside me and it’s just a simple, harmless but life-altering IBS (had it since young).  The new weighing machine says that I’m 1kg heavier than my old weighing machine *pls be accurate =D* I’ll know if it’s accurate once i weigh myself at the doc tmr at Mount Alvernia Hospital.

Scary thing is, if my weight has actually plummeted further this past month, i would have to undergo colonoscopy (correct spelling?). The procedure is not scary, but the preperation for the procedure is horrifying. HORRIFYING i repeat. I must undergo one day of DIARREAH to clear my large intestines so that the doctor could scan it with her scary cameras and probes, as i undergo anestesia. For someone who is so horrified by any sort of diarreah, having to remove every last piece of waste material in my large intestine sounds like a terrible nightmare.

 Reading forums *again i know =p* I must pass out waste till i water comes (maybe flows?) out. Meaning clear white water (which on forums say you could cheat and stop once it brown water comes out). Meaning tons of laxatives i suppose, or a bitter drink that I’d have to continuously consume for the entire afternoon and night. Many people can’t sleep as they have to camp by their toilet. I’ll make sure I stick a ONLY FOR ME SIGN on the toilet door if I’d have to  undergo the freakishly freaky procedure’s preperation. OMG HOW MANY TIMES MUST I GO TO THE TOILET… so hopefully i gain back weight and would not have to undergo this horrifying and nightmarish experience that I’m certain would scar my little mind for life. SERIOUSLY

Yes, I know I have said I want to experience much of life as i can, but not MEDICAL EXPERIENCES. URGH. stinks (figuratively and literally). HAHA.

felt pissed, and wanted to write something before going out..lol (ps if i’m late) *incomplete song* cos i need rush le

High get higher and the low get lower
Being part of this f*** up world
I won’t lie that I’ve never been
Caught up in some kind of shit
Maybe my vision is just blurred
Cos I can’t seem to agree

I open my eyes
They say it’s what you choose to see
Just look up
And everything would be perfect
But covering it up doesn’t make it disappear

Why do the high get higher and the low get lower
Is this a conspiracy
That I just can’t see
I guess that’s why it’s just not fair

Oh Oh     Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh    Oh Oh Oh Oh

I’ll be what I can be
And maybe I’ll just accept
But I know I won’t be here
If I live it wouldn’t be for me

random

I have a sudden urge to travel to Europe. weird. lol.

Okay, I’m seeing black spots now after staring out of the window for too long picturing myself in London… haha

another song inspired by the trips, shows I watched recently and the past

Crazy Mess

Let’s go out
And maybe we’ll roam about
Shining lights
It’s early in the night

We’ll communicate
About the different fates
Maybe we’ll compare
Who’s the real milionaire

Be afraid
Don’t know what I have said
The next day
Would we meet and say hey

Experience
All the coincidence
When it ends
Are we even friends?

Oh Oh Oh
Would I understand anything that’s going on
Or be on a ride without a mind
Just for fun just to laugh just to lose my mind
Maybe it would be fun to pretend for once
That I care
That I like
And that I want
All this crazy mess

Get drunk, be free
This is what it’s all about
Try to be “good”
Just for the crowd